A letter to the boy who picked up the pieces

To the boy who picked up the pieces and cleaned up the mess I left everywhere I went.

Where do I even begin? I think I now understand why your problems and headaches were never discussed with me, because I was the cause of those problems and headaches. I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused. I’ve known that my actions would have repercussions, however I did not know that it would be inflicted on someone I care so much for. I’m sorry for causing you to cop the flack that people have given you because of my incompetence. I don’t deserve you nor do I deserve friends that care so much. I know that there is nothing you want from me, nor anything you need. But I feel the obligation to do this; to prevent another problem from arising again, to lift whatever burdens I may have mistakenly placed on you back onto my shoulders for myself to bear and to lessen the problems and headaches you have been having because of me. I know you’d never read this, but if I can I would leave you if it means that you will no longer have as many problems with me around. Another thing I want to add; thank you. Thank you for copping all the flack that people gave you even though they don’t know the full story. Thank you for not hating me despite all of the flack that you had to cop. I wish and pray that you will never have to experience anything like that ever again. And just like how I entered your life, that’s how I will disappear hearing of each other but never got to know.

I’m sorry and thank you.

Sincerely, the girl who makes a mess wherever she goes.

Advertisements

Fear

 

I cannot say when I started, but I believe that it has been with me since the moment I was conscious of the world around me. Each day there’d be some sort of fear, fear of being rejected, fear of failure, fear of getting into trouble. Fear is something we face each and every day, yet somehow, it can get the best of us sometimes. You’d think that by now with 20 years’ experience of fear constantly lurking in the shadows that I’d know how to deal with it. Left to be alone for the last 10 years of my life, you’d think that I’d know not to rely on the others around me. That I wouldn’t be afraid of losing anyone else, that I’d know that the people around me are just somehow temporary characters coming in and out of my story whenever they see fit. But. That is not the case. No matter how many times I am left behind by whoever it may be, I always end up in the same place and rather than facing it like I have faced all the past ones. I’ve become fearful of what I may lose. I’ve become fearful of who I might lose of who might leave me behind as they move forward with their lives. Yes, change is a good thing, yes moving forward is also a good thing. There’s just one thing I do ask of you, all of you who are reading this, if you ever decide to say “I promise that I won’t leave you” or “I’m not that kind of person” please know that those words can mean the world to a person like me. It’d make me feel hopeful, that I wouldn’t have to do life alone, that me being vulnerable to you is worthwhile. Because, if I keep having new people coming into my life, sooner or later, the whole world will know my story but I won’t know any of theirs. I’d become the word of mouth that people so famously talk of. I don’t know whether or not this fear will ever be overcome. But the truth is we all have a fear, big or small, there will be something haunting our lives, but that is only if we let it. I know that I must step out with faith, with courage, with hope that I can overcome this fear, that this fear of being left behind won’t get the better of me and I’d be able to conquer it. I wouldn’t be afraid of being left behind by the people who matter because at the end of the day the person who makes any kind of decision of my life is me. I just have to rely on myself and work hard towards the goals I have set for myself.

Read this if you’re ever worried you’ll never find THE ONE

Imagine something crazy for me, quickly.

What if you peered into a fortune ball right now – this very second, today – and saw with indisputable clarity that you were never going to meet the love of your life?

That’s a sad thing that I’m asking you to think of, I’m aware. You’ve been hoping to meet “The One” for a while now – or at least someone half-decent who you can deal with for the rest of your life. I know, I know. You’re not fanciful like everyone else. You don’t believe in soul mates. But you were expecting to meet someone you liked a fair amount. Someone to curl up next to at the end of a long day, who would take care of you when you got sick and listen to your stories every evening after work. We all hope that. We’re human.

But imagine for a second that you knew – with 100% certainty – that you were never going to meet that person. What about your life would that knowledge change?

Because here’s the thing about finding love – it affects us constantly. And we all loathe admitting it. But love is on the forefront of our actions even when it’s not on the forefront of our minds. It’s the reason you bought those new jeans last week. It’s the reason you went to that barbeque that you didn’t want to go to last weekend. It’s the reason you sometimes feel cripplingly insecure and inadequate and scared about everything that’s coming next. Love’s what inspires most of your greatest changes.

Your first inclination may be to say “Nothing.” After all, you’re a smart person. You have plans that don’t involve someone else’s influence. We all do. But ponder it a few moments more. Because here’s what we don’t want to admit about love: it is a crutch that we use all the time. The idea that someday somebody will love all our flaws is a subtle excuse not to work on them. The principle of two halves making a whole restrains us from becoming our own better half. We want someone to swoop in during our darkest hour and save us, but what if we knew they never would? We’d have to start doing everything differently.

If you knew that love would never be an option for you, what would be? How would you structure the rest of your life? Would it have a heavier focus on career, a stronger inclination toward success? Or would you use the time to invest in yourself – go on a few more vacations, travel further outside your comfort zone? If you knew that you would never again feel the rush of budding romance, where would you turn to for your thrills? How would you get your blood pumping?

And what about your other relationships – would they suddenly take on more weight? Would you spend more time appreciating your family, if you knew that they are the people who will have loved you the most strongly at the end of your life? What about your friendships? Would you nurture and care more for the people who love you platonically if you knew that nobody would ever love you romantically? Would you show up a little more often, share a little more of your life?

My inclination is to believe that never finding love would be a game-changer for most of us. One we’d initially consider to be devastating but may eventually realize is the ultimate liberation. Without the fear of ending up alone, the opportunities open to you would become endless. You could live on every continent. You could scale the corporate ladder. You could go back to school and get that degree you’ve always felt interested in, without worrying about the financial burden your debt may place on somebody else. Love holds us back in an infinite amount of subtle ways that perhaps we do not even realize. And the guarantee of its absence may just be the ultimate sense of liberation.

Because if we didn’t have to search for the love of our lives, we would finally be free to realize that we are allowed to be the loves of our own. That we can spend our lives developing ourselves, challenging ourselves, pampering ourselves and building ourselves up to be bigger, more capable people than we ever once hoped to become. We could become everything we’ve been searching for. We could construct our soul mates in ourselves.

If there’s one thing we all need to stop doing, it’s waiting around for someone else to show up and change our lives. Just be the person you’ve been waiting for. Live your life as if you are the love of it. Because that’s the only thing you know for sure – that through every triumph, every failure, every fear and every gain that you will ever experience until the day you die, you are going to be present. You are going to be the person who shows up to accept your rewards. You are going to be the person who holds your own hand when you’re broken. You are going to be the person who gets yourself up off the floor every time you get knocked down and if those things are not love-of-your-life qualities, I don’t know what are.

We have to start appreciating all that we bring to our own lives. Because the ironic truth is, you are most attractive when you’re not worried about who you’re attracting. When you’re living your life confidently, freely and without restraint, you emit the kind of energy that it just isn’t possible to fake. The kind of energy that’s capable of transforming not just your own life, but the lives of people around you.

So stop looking for The One to spend the rest of your life with. Be The One.

And let everybody else come searching for you.

Look around you…

IMG_2595.JPGLook around you. Do you see the girl on the right? The pretty one? She’s the one that can get any guy she wants at any time. She’s the kind of girl that you would never find single for a long period of time. She’s the kind of girl that makes everyone’s heads turn when she walks through the door. She’s the kind of girl that every guy would give their attention to. She’s the kind of girl that you know will be well off regardless of where she is or whatever she may be in. But that’s not you…

Now look to your left. Do you see the girl laughing with her boyfriend? The girl that you can see is so in love? She’s the kind of girl hasn’t been single for a really long time. Her relationship probably has been going on for about 2-3 years now or maybe even more. She’s the kind of girl you wish you could be; the kind of girl you know that there is someone to come home to at the end of a long hard day. But that’s not you…

Now look in front of you. The girl standing in front of you, facing you. That’s you. You’re the kind of girl that don’t have a choice but to depend on herself. You’re the kind of girl that never gets the guys. You know that you won’t be well off unless you make something of yourself right now. You know that there is a high possibility that there won’t be someone to come home to at the end of the day. You know it, and you accept it. You must. You’re the kind of girl that lives life as if you know that there won’t be anyone out there that will love you as much as you can possibly love yourself. You’re the girl who never makes heads turns, or capture every guy’s attention. You’re the kind of girl that has to build her self-esteem herself every time when you know a guy doesn’t feel the same way you do. You’re the girl who tries to find confidence in living for the next day. You believe in a better tomorrow. A future where you can be truly happy regardless if you are with someone or not. You doubt yourself sometimes, but you know that whatever happens you must embrace it and just enjoy the ride.

Look behind you. The girl standing behind you was you. She’s the kind of girl that never had the confidence in herself. She’s the kind of girl who would never look at a mirror to see herself, afraid of what she might find in the reflection. She’s the kind of girl who believed in love, that everyone will someday find a love of their own. She’s the kind of girl that also never made heads turn. She’s the kind of girl that wishes she never knew anything when it comes to the idea of love and affection. She’s the girl who believed she’d be well off if there was someone beside her to do life with. That was you.

Girl on a train

2012-08-13_15-37-50

Every morning there is a girl on the train. Every morning this girl would be smiling sweetly on her phone as if someone had just reached out of the phone and gave her a kiss. Every morning her smiles and sweetness slowly fades away.

I wonder if she knows… I wonder if this girl knows that this pain she is enduring through is just as temporary as her smiles. I wonder if this girl knows that at the end of this long and dark tunnel there will be something much better and much more wonderful than anything she has ever seen or experienced… Of course she does, but she doesn’t believe it. We all don’t believe these things when we’re going through a rough patch.

Every morning there is a girl on the train. Every morning she’d be staring out the window as if she’s yearning for something much more than what she has right now. Every morning, she is one step closer to her destination. Does she know that one day all of her “what ifs” and uncertainties will all be rid of? Does she know that one day she will feel liberation in ways she has never felt before? Does she know that she is so loved by the people around her that regardless of her small selfish acts they still give her their support?

Every morning there is a girl on the train. Every morning she would strive to be a better person than she was the day before. Every morning she is a day closer to her happiness…

THE END.

Arguing couple
 Back to back Couple Silhouette
“When it comes to times of confusion and struggle, honesty is key!” With the final lesson learnt, their arguments, confusions, questions were all answered. At least that’s what she thinks, she would never know how his perspectives and ideas would have been affected from her honesty. Along with the end of the painful memories, laughs and rose screened moments, their confusions, arguments and quarrels all came to an end as well.

It was her first time being honest with her feelings to a guy, little did she know that this also meant the end of her ideas of a couple with him. The typical movie scenes where the female lead would open her eyes and find the love of her life lying asleep beside her on their bed. The cliché drama cheesiness where the male lead would dramatically take his other half into his arms through the typical actions, holding on to the hands and pulling the female lead into his embrace, the storming up to the female and surprises the audience with a hug rather than a long lecture. Or just even the typical couple actions where the guy gives the girl his jacket because she’s cold. All those scenarios she played through her head a thousand times or more finally came to an end.

As her father have taught her: if you have the courage to pick it up, you should also have the courage to put it back down (or let it go) when it is time. She now knew that it is now time to let it go…

Before I knew it…

253436_735x390

Before I knew it, all my fears were all exposed and exhibited within one sentence that came out of their mouths… “he’s going to look for girls.” One of the many lines which I dreaded hearing, one of the many sentences that I wish I would never have to hear; I heard. Right at that moment my heart dropped.

Before I knew it, tears were slowly accumulating to the rim of my eyelids, one blink, just one and several droplets streamed along my cheeks down to my chin then dropped onto the ground. How many tears would I have to shed? How many scars must I accumulate for you to understand what seems so obvious to me yet so invisible to you?

Before I knew it, I came to like you. It could have been the little actions, it could have been the jokes, it could have been everything or anything. I don’t know when, where or how; but I know what: “I like you”, three simple words that can lead to so much more. Three simple words that holds so much hope and happiness, yet at the same time it bears the ominous aura of all the deepest darkest fears one could have that could turn into woe.

Before I knew you, I was perfectly fine. But now that I know you, my life has changed, for the better and the worse…