Fear

 

I cannot say when I started, but I believe that it has been with me since the moment I was conscious of the world around me. Each day there’d be some sort of fear, fear of being rejected, fear of failure, fear of getting into trouble. Fear is something we face each and every day, yet somehow, it can get the best of us sometimes. You’d think that by now with 20 years’ experience of fear constantly lurking in the shadows that I’d know how to deal with it. Left to be alone for the last 10 years of my life, you’d think that I’d know not to rely on the others around me. That I wouldn’t be afraid of losing anyone else, that I’d know that the people around me are just somehow temporary characters coming in and out of my story whenever they see fit. But. That is not the case. No matter how many times I am left behind by whoever it may be, I always end up in the same place and rather than facing it like I have faced all the past ones. I’ve become fearful of what I may lose. I’ve become fearful of who I might lose of who might leave me behind as they move forward with their lives. Yes, change is a good thing, yes moving forward is also a good thing. There’s just one thing I do ask of you, all of you who are reading this, if you ever decide to say “I promise that I won’t leave you” or “I’m not that kind of person” please know that those words can mean the world to a person like me. It’d make me feel hopeful, that I wouldn’t have to do life alone, that me being vulnerable to you is worthwhile. Because, if I keep having new people coming into my life, sooner or later, the whole world will know my story but I won’t know any of theirs. I’d become the word of mouth that people so famously talk of. I don’t know whether or not this fear will ever be overcome. But the truth is we all have a fear, big or small, there will be something haunting our lives, but that is only if we let it. I know that I must step out with faith, with courage, with hope that I can overcome this fear, that this fear of being left behind won’t get the better of me and I’d be able to conquer it. I wouldn’t be afraid of being left behind by the people who matter because at the end of the day the person who makes any kind of decision of my life is me. I just have to rely on myself and work hard towards the goals I have set for myself.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s